I went to the grocery store in October 2018 to buy bottles of water for the boys to use at school during the citywide water ban. There was not a water bottle or can – flat or carbonated – on the shelves. Any that remained in the store (at approximately 7:40 AM the day the ban went into effect) were in shopping carts as people lined up to stockpile as much water as they could grab. I saw one woman who had four giant cases of water bottles and several boxes of carbonated water in her cart. There were no other items in her cart. I wondered if she had any awareness that (1) other people might also have need for bottled water, (2) she was preparing for a “catastrophe” that was predicted to dissipate in a few days once the filtration systems resumed regular operations, and (3) she would be storing and drinking from her stockpile for years while her fellow human beings (e.g., my children) who needed bottled water that day would be unable to access it.
Anxiety and panic cause us to move into a survival mode of thinking that is emotion-driven and, typically, not based on factual data. As technology advances and we are bombarded with incoming information, we are losing our ability to pause and consider facts before reacting to information that triggers alarm and desperation.
Our current panic is coronavirus. When you read the headlines, the reason we are panicking makes sense. It is a scary virus that we were not prepared to face and, as of my writing this blog, the World Health Organization says it has a higher fatality rate than the flu. Adult panic is easily transmitted to our children, which further fuels our anxiety and desperation.
Angel told me last night that he is worried that he will get sick from “that bad sickness that people die from.” I asked how he knew about it because I knew I hadn’t brought it up and he said he heard about it from other kids at school. I walked Angel through the five steps that I encourage parents to use with their children during times of uncertainty, especially when the uncertainty leads to panic and desperate (over)reactions. Here are the steps.
Step One. We make space for and name our big feelings. A virus that is affecting people across the globe, is potentially fatal, and has no current treatment or vaccine…that is terrifying, scary, makes us feel understandably anxious, and sounds like the plot of a post-apocalyptic movie that none of us want to live. The anxiety triggers our survival instincts and we move quickly into our reptilian brains. We find ourselves edgier, more irritable, and anxious as our stress levels rise, our sleep quality declines and our heart rates beat faster. What do we do instead of sink further into the panic abyss?
Step Two. We calm our bodies. We recognize how our bodies are processing the physiological experience of our emotions by identifying how our bodies feel at this exact moment. Where do we feel tension, pressure or tingling? Where do we feel hot or cold? Where do we feel pain? Is my heart beating quickly or slowly? When I breathe in, is it a long, deep breath or a shallow one? After we read our body cues, we use strategies like deep breathing and stretching to help our bodies relax. We place one hand on our bellies and the other on our chests, and breathe from our diaphragms. Deep breathing stimulates our parasympathetic nervous system and moves our bodies and brains from “fight-flight-freeze” to something more akin to “normal.” It isn’t a cure for panic but it gets us to the next step.
Step Three. After our bodies calm down, we calm our brains that are jumping around from anxiety topic to anxiety topic like a puppy who just got released from his crate. When we have settled bodies, our brains are in a better place to examine our thoughts and consider other perspectives. We start looking at our fear-based thoughts (e.g., “I’m going to get this scary illness and die”) and comparing them to factual information provided by knowledgeable people (“I’m a healthy person and at low risk”). Once our brains are less fidgety, we are ready for the next step.
Step Four. We research what the scientists are telling us and implement their recommendations that are based on fact-based information. For example, they are telling us that the coronavirus is most dangerous to the elderly and people with serious medical issues. Their recommended course of action is to continue with health promoting behaviors (e.g., getting recommended vaccines and flu shots, handwashing, staying home when we’re sick, not sharing food or drinks, keeping our hands away from our mouths and noses). Stockpiling disposable face masks and keeping our children home from school are not recommended and are, in fact, discouraged. We need to be sensible and choose behaviors that convey respect for our fellow human beings whose needs for emergency supplies may outweigh our own.
Step Five. We validate that uncertainty is hard for all of us and bravely continue living our lives, despite our anxiety/fear/panic. I try to balance uncertainty by identifying what I know to be true, after I’ve named my fears and settled my body and brain. I find that focusing my attention on something solid like a known truth anchors me and decreases my vulnerability to being swayed by incoming information that may be unreliable and emotion-driven. It also keeps my perspective from zooming to something that is too large to manage. A friend told me this week that she is coping with a very challenging and uncertain situation (unrelated to the coronavirus) by keeping her focus on the “tree in front of me because the big forest is too scary.” One tree at a time. One breath at a time. One choice at a time. One step forward at a time. That’s all we have to do.
Our children will take their cues from us. When we model good coping strategies and healthy behaviors, they remain confident in our ability to make good decisions that will keep them safe. They, in turn, are more likely to become information gatherers who make rational decisions about appropriate next steps. When we acknowledge our fears and move forward bravely, our children learn that their big feelings are acceptable and that it is possible to be brave and scared at the same time.
And, if you find yourself emerging from a reptilian brain fog and realize that you didn’t need to purchase a two-year supply of bottled water or a barrel of hand sanitizer or 1000 disposable face masks for your family, consider sharing them with an organization that works with the elderly or other vulnerable populations.
My friends, may we support each other through this uncertain time we are living…may we remind ourselves to remain centered on what we know is true…and may we focus our attention on the moment we are living right now instead of trying to predict the unpredictable future….Jennifer
Anxiety and panic cause us to move into a survival mode of thinking that is emotion-driven and, typically, not based on factual data. As technology advances and we are bombarded with incoming information, we are losing our ability to pause and consider facts before reacting to information that triggers alarm and desperation.
Our current panic is coronavirus. When you read the headlines, the reason we are panicking makes sense. It is a scary virus that we were not prepared to face and, as of my writing this blog, the World Health Organization says it has a higher fatality rate than the flu. Adult panic is easily transmitted to our children, which further fuels our anxiety and desperation.
Angel told me last night that he is worried that he will get sick from “that bad sickness that people die from.” I asked how he knew about it because I knew I hadn’t brought it up and he said he heard about it from other kids at school. I walked Angel through the five steps that I encourage parents to use with their children during times of uncertainty, especially when the uncertainty leads to panic and desperate (over)reactions. Here are the steps.
Step One. We make space for and name our big feelings. A virus that is affecting people across the globe, is potentially fatal, and has no current treatment or vaccine…that is terrifying, scary, makes us feel understandably anxious, and sounds like the plot of a post-apocalyptic movie that none of us want to live. The anxiety triggers our survival instincts and we move quickly into our reptilian brains. We find ourselves edgier, more irritable, and anxious as our stress levels rise, our sleep quality declines and our heart rates beat faster. What do we do instead of sink further into the panic abyss?
Step Two. We calm our bodies. We recognize how our bodies are processing the physiological experience of our emotions by identifying how our bodies feel at this exact moment. Where do we feel tension, pressure or tingling? Where do we feel hot or cold? Where do we feel pain? Is my heart beating quickly or slowly? When I breathe in, is it a long, deep breath or a shallow one? After we read our body cues, we use strategies like deep breathing and stretching to help our bodies relax. We place one hand on our bellies and the other on our chests, and breathe from our diaphragms. Deep breathing stimulates our parasympathetic nervous system and moves our bodies and brains from “fight-flight-freeze” to something more akin to “normal.” It isn’t a cure for panic but it gets us to the next step.
Step Three. After our bodies calm down, we calm our brains that are jumping around from anxiety topic to anxiety topic like a puppy who just got released from his crate. When we have settled bodies, our brains are in a better place to examine our thoughts and consider other perspectives. We start looking at our fear-based thoughts (e.g., “I’m going to get this scary illness and die”) and comparing them to factual information provided by knowledgeable people (“I’m a healthy person and at low risk”). Once our brains are less fidgety, we are ready for the next step.
Step Four. We research what the scientists are telling us and implement their recommendations that are based on fact-based information. For example, they are telling us that the coronavirus is most dangerous to the elderly and people with serious medical issues. Their recommended course of action is to continue with health promoting behaviors (e.g., getting recommended vaccines and flu shots, handwashing, staying home when we’re sick, not sharing food or drinks, keeping our hands away from our mouths and noses). Stockpiling disposable face masks and keeping our children home from school are not recommended and are, in fact, discouraged. We need to be sensible and choose behaviors that convey respect for our fellow human beings whose needs for emergency supplies may outweigh our own.
Step Five. We validate that uncertainty is hard for all of us and bravely continue living our lives, despite our anxiety/fear/panic. I try to balance uncertainty by identifying what I know to be true, after I’ve named my fears and settled my body and brain. I find that focusing my attention on something solid like a known truth anchors me and decreases my vulnerability to being swayed by incoming information that may be unreliable and emotion-driven. It also keeps my perspective from zooming to something that is too large to manage. A friend told me this week that she is coping with a very challenging and uncertain situation (unrelated to the coronavirus) by keeping her focus on the “tree in front of me because the big forest is too scary.” One tree at a time. One breath at a time. One choice at a time. One step forward at a time. That’s all we have to do.
Our children will take their cues from us. When we model good coping strategies and healthy behaviors, they remain confident in our ability to make good decisions that will keep them safe. They, in turn, are more likely to become information gatherers who make rational decisions about appropriate next steps. When we acknowledge our fears and move forward bravely, our children learn that their big feelings are acceptable and that it is possible to be brave and scared at the same time.
And, if you find yourself emerging from a reptilian brain fog and realize that you didn’t need to purchase a two-year supply of bottled water or a barrel of hand sanitizer or 1000 disposable face masks for your family, consider sharing them with an organization that works with the elderly or other vulnerable populations.
My friends, may we support each other through this uncertain time we are living…may we remind ourselves to remain centered on what we know is true…and may we focus our attention on the moment we are living right now instead of trying to predict the unpredictable future….Jennifer
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