“What are we supposed to say to the kids?” A teacher asked me Wednesday morning when we arrived on campus. I knew immediately what she meant. News of the school shooting in Uvalde hit too closely to home for us as Central Texans, parents and educators. What are we supposed to say to the kids following something that is difficult for adults to understand? My journey to answering that very challenging question began almost 22 years ago.
I began my career with a postdoctoral fellowship in child abuse and trauma in August 2000. Unbeknownst to us at the time, my fellow postdoc and I were 12 months away from being called upon to support children, parents, and teachers through the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001. Far too often in the intervening years, I have needed to dust off my child trauma psychologist toolbelt to help parents and teachers find ways to soothe their children’s fears while they themselves are grappling with big, heavy emotions.
Here is what I know for sure:
(1) We as humans are a resilient species. We certainly don’t enjoy living through tragedies like the terrorist attack on Robb Elementary School, but we typically get through them and move forward from the initial helplessness, sadness, anger and anxiety that these traumatic events elicit.
(2) As adults it is imperative that we take a moment to settle our nervous systems before we try to help our children. It is rare that we are called upon to have hard and upsetting conversations with our children immediately. When we take time to alleviate our emotional distress, we typically are able to speak to our children in a calmer manner and are better able to address their questions and prepare for the conversations.
(3) School children participate in active shooter drills in addition to tornado and fire drills. Most of the time that preparation will be adequate to fulfill the campus’s needs. It is the anomaly that there will be inadequate time to implement the practiced procedures and these anomalies usually cause deep emotional pain. But we must remember that most students will complete their education without having a mass shooting on their campuses.
(4) In addition to the school counseling department, there are helpful resources available to help you find the words and strategies you need.
a. National Child Traumatic Stress Network (https://www.nctsn.org/resources/all-nctsn-resources)
b. American Psychological Association (https://www.apa.org/topics/gun-violence-crime/mass-shooting-resources)
c. Your school’s counseling department can help with wording and provide specific resources.
Common Questions & Sample Responses
“Why did he do that?” [referring to choices made by the terrorist]
“That’s a question I have too and I don’t know the answer. Sometimes people do things that we don’t understand. Most people treat other human beings with respect and want to make sure that everyone is safe in public places. We can focus on what we know for sure – how we feel, how much we love each other, how sad we are for those families, students, and teachers who love their school as much as we love ours.”
“What if this happens at my school?”
“Your teachers would do everything they could to keep you and your classmates safe.”
“I didn’t know kids could die.”
“Kids typically do not die. Most kids grow into adults who live healthy, full lives. Sometimes things happen and it doesn’t turn out that way, but most of the time it does.”
“Were they scared?”
“I don’t know. Do you think they were scared? That’s a pretty good guess. Let’s get back to us. How are you feeling right now about this?”
“Did [the shooter] die?”
“Yes.”
“[Any details about the traumatic event that you are uncomfortable sharing]?”
“I understand why you’re wondering that. I want you to be older before we have that conversation.”
“Did the school not protect the students?”
“No. The school tried very hard to protect the students and teachers, just like your school does. Most of the people who were in the school when it happened got out safely.”
“I’m glad that wasn’t my school.”
“Me too and I am so sad that it happened at anyone’s school.”
“What can we do?”
“Exactly what we’re doing. We get up in the morning and go to school. Students need to keep telling teachers when they feel like something isn’t safe or someone isn’t making safe choices. Your school will keep insisting that all campus visitors have a safe and valid reason to be at school. Your school will continue having practice drills so that teachers and students know what to do if an emergency happens. And we’ll continue being sad and hugging each other through the times when very hard, sad things happen.”
My fellow Panthers, may we remain resilient as we grieve with the Robb Elementary School and Uvalde communities. May we hug our children a bit more often and a bit more tightly. May we celebrate them while holding sadness for the parents, teachers, and family members who are missing their loved ones. Ubuntu. Jennifer
Thank you for sharing this. It's important we don't grow numb and ignore these tragic events.
ReplyDeleteI agree. 100%.
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