“Mom, I’ve got a question.” I love these teaser comments that typically occur while we are driving to or from school. This comment occurred one day on our way to school.
“What is it?”
“If Mrs. Steinbach says it’s okay, could we go home instead of go to school today?” Mrs. Steinbach is our Head of School.
“Why would you go home instead of go to school today?”
“I want to play Roblox and watch YouTube.”
“So, your plan would be to tell Mrs. Steinbach that you are wanting to stay home today, even though you aren’t sick, don’t have a doctor’s appointment, and have no legitimate reason to stay home except that you would rather play Roblox and watch YouTube than go to school?”
“Yes.”
“Okay. If you explain all of what I said to Mrs. Steinbach and she says it’s okay for you go home instead of school, that’s fine with me.”
“Really?” I nodded. “So, you’ll take us home if she says yes?” I nodded again and smiled as I heard my children celebrate her anticipated yes.
***
It was a very low risk “yes” to give.
Can’t we all relate to the request, though? Haven’t we all exhaled a deep sigh as we pick up our car keys and release the fantasy of remaining in our jammies and sinking into the couch for a long day of movie watching or TV binging? How do we teach our children to reach for the car keys instead of the phone to call out sick?
I once read a quote that what we say to our children will become their inner voice. Profound, isn’t it? Much of my professional work with adults involves helping them find a new inner voice because they internalized too much shame and emotional pain from the voices they heard when they were children. I realize that the wise author missed an important aspect.
What we say to our children will become their inner voice and what they watch us do will guide their footsteps. If we want our children to become responsible, resilient adults who live independently and sustain employment, that process begins with how we respond to seemingly easy requests like “Could I stay home today?” or “Could I skip my math homework?”
As parents, much of our decision-making occurs in our heads and our children are exposed to the final results, but not the process leading to them. When we take time to loop them in on our internal dialogue, we model effective decision-making. Let’s consider some parental responses to the Roblox/YouTube request.
Option 1. “No.” Easy, clear, direct…and likely to inspire whining or seething anger. It also distances us from our goal of encouraging them to think through aspects of responsible decision-making.
Option 2. “Sure.” Tempting, but distances us from our goal of having them eventually morph into responsible grown-ups who function independently.
Option 3. “Let me think about that. You want to stay home instead of going to school. You have no reason other than wanting a day off, right? I get why that sounds appealing and taking a break sounds very relaxing and fun. I also get why that isn’t a responsible choice when there is a lot of important learning happening at school. Let’s go with a better option: We’ll both go to work and enjoy our free time when we get home. This weekend if you want to spend one day staying in your jammies and watching Roblox and YouTube, I’m on board with that plan.” If you haven’t already, remind your children that while they are full-time students, their job is to go to school and encourage them to identify what traits and behaviors are associated with being a “responsible worker.” Once the operational definition of “responsible worker” is established, it’s an easy reference tool to assess behavioral or attitude choices (e.g. “Hmm. Are you being a responsible worker right now?”). Feel free to plagiarize the line I use: “My job is to go to work and earn money to support our family. Your job is to go to school and do your work so that one day you’re a responsible worker who is supporting yourself.”
***
Same day, car ride home. “So, I notice you never came to my office and asked me to take you home. What did Mrs. Steinbach say?”
“I never asked her.”
“Why not?”
“I knew she’d say no.”
“Why?”
“Because she wants kids to go to school.”
I looked in the rearview mirror. “It isn’t always fun being responsible, is it?” He shook his head. I smiled at him. “You know what I could get onboard with?” His eyebrows lifted slightly. “An extra half hour of Roblox and YouTube watching after you get your homework finished.” He then shared that he had worked hard during advisory to finish his homework, so his oral reading was the only outstanding assignment. “That sounds really responsible. Great job.”
My friends, may we honor the responsibility we carry as we respond to their simple requests. May they become adults with self-compassionate, resilient, and responsible inner voices and goal-directed footsteps as a result of the work we are doing today. Ubuntu. Jennifer
Dr. Ayres’s Counselor’s Corner blogs are intended to address readers’ questions about parenting, self-care, relationships, motivation and other psychology-related issues. They are not a substitute for professional advice or therapy. If you have topics for future blogs, please send them to jayres@rawsonsaunders.org. Names and identifying information will be protected.
I like this blog post! Agree with everything you said and very well-written!
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